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23 Jan Hi, we want to make sure that if anyone in this post needs help, there are resources available. There's /r/suicidewatch where well-meaning and sympathetic people will try and help, but be aware they aren't trained. The befrienders website is a global list of local suicide help charities. Use it to find an . 16 Nov Check out LIfehack's guide to recognizing if you're unhappy in your relationship. Relationships are complicated and, when you're unhappy, it can be difficult to tell what's causing it and what needs to change. Sometimes People will come up with a million ways to describe why they can't be committed. If. 27 Mar If it doesn't—if they don't know themselves how they should be supported—try other things until you hit on what works best. Give yourself space from them. When people are unhappy, being around them is difficult. In giving them space, you give yourself space as well. Don't fall into the trap of thinking they.

A patient of mine has a mentally ill brother who's depressed and anxious, as well as manipulative and stubborn. He often refuses to take medication that's helped him in the past and as a result often ends up lying How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy home in his bed, unwashed and unkempt, for days How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy a time. When my friend discovers him in this state, she tries various things: She struggles with how much she may be enabling his behavior and with how unhappy his unhappiness is making her.

She vents to me on occasion, and I try to walk a fine line between encouraging her not to give up on him and supporting her decision to protect herself emotionally. Recently, he had a particularly bad episode and it got me wondering: Love leads to many things good and bad but perhaps one of the most challenging is the way it links our happiness to the happiness of others.

This connection largely explains why we often become frustrated click here angry with the ones we love: First and foremost, we must realize that everyone is ultimately responsible for their own happiness and simultaneously that everyone exerts a powerful influence on the happiness of those around them. A study by a former colleague, Nicholas Christakis, suggests that we influence the happiness of people close to us physically as well as the happiness of people close to us personally up to three degrees of separation meaning not just the friends of our friends but their friends as well.

We have spoiler tags, please use them! One of my best friends was a recovering addict. If someone seems groggy or off during the link, they may be struggling to sleep. Offering to help get them caught up on it only leads to more guilt and shame. Happiness is not the guaranteed outcome of any particular activity, even a foodie trek across Italy.

How might this influence come about? Not by the advice we give read article the action we take to try to make others happier but simply by being happy ourselves. Emotions, it turns out, are as contagious as infectious diseases possibly as a result of the mirror neuron system.

Some of us seem to be more contagious than others and some of us especially susceptible to being "infected" by others, but most of us have had firsthand experience in bringing others up or down with our moods and in being brought up or down by the moods of others. The most effective way to help others become happier, then, very well may be by focusing How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy becoming happy ourselves.

This may strike some as selfish, but we can easily imagine flowing readily from our own happiness a heightened ability to encourage, support, and inspire. One strategy we shouldn't adopt, no matter how tempting it may be, is to give our unhappy loved ones what they ask for automatically without carefully considering the consequences. What unhappy people want is so often not what they need that this knee-jerk approach must in the end be considered unwise at best.

We may feel impelled to give them what they want by our own sense of urgency to pry them out of whatever unhappy box they're in.

No matter who you are if you like it, then you need to put a ring on it. They're excited about something they're working on, grateful for what they have and dreaming about the possibilities of life. You won't be able to vote or comment. Unhappy people tend to micromanage in effort to control all outcomes and fall apart in dramatic display when life throws a wrench in their plan. Recently we had a friend who lost a spouse and our children were really good friends.

But this urge often rises from our discomfort, not theirs, and causes us to suspend our good judgment in favor of what seems expedient. To counteract this impulse, remember that suffering is necessary for growth I'm not pointing this out to rationalize suffering, but rather to suggest our focus should be on using it as a catalyst. If we can resist the impulse to treat suffering like a fire that must be extinguished immediately, we can consider with a clear mind how to best respond to the unhappiness of the ones we love.

But if instead we give in to our impulse to take over responsibility for someone else's suffering, we may find ourselves cheating them out of an important growth experience. True happiness comes link strength. If we solve every problem for the ones we love, how will they ever learn to solve problems themselves?

Often, however, the people we love behave as if they don't want to feel better. They want to wallow, or are so debilitated by their suffering they can't even get out of bed—like my patient's brother.

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Sometimes the unhappiness of the ones we love is like a black hole, threatening to pull us into darkness ourselves. How can we orbit around such a strong negative force without being crushed by it ourselves? It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to disentangle our mood from a loved one's mood without swinging too far How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy the other direction, becoming disinterested and emotionally cut off as a means of self-preservation.

Living with an unhappy person is, in many ways, like living with someone who's ill: Thinking of a loved one's unhappiness as an illness brings to mind some points I made in an earlier post, The Caregiver's Manifestothat, in modified form, may apply:.

My patient found herself thinking about detaching from her brother frequently, and in fact would do so for long stretches of time. But then she'd learn he'd locked himself in his house for days and couldn't stop herself from being drawn back into his life. After this last episode, however, she found herself more focused on maintaining a safe emotional distance.

She still cared, she confided to me, but had come to a new understanding about her limitations. She knew some part of her brother still wanted to be happy, but it seemed covered up by a part that reveled in misery. She would keep tabs on him, she decided, and intervene when he seemed in real danger, but she refused to continue suffering on account of his suffering.

Which for her meant allowing him to suffer alone. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to visit Dr. Lickerman's home page, Happiness in this World. I was reading your blog and your patient's brother sounds so much like mine. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking, especially when there are children involved.

I try to maintain some distance but it never works out. HIs kids or my mom beg me to do something, go see him, try to get through to him, help him somehow. I just keep getting frug back into his mess. You mentioned someone going through a period of suffering in their life that they need time to get through so this suffering is not permanent and individuals who might have frequent dips in mood.

I have a question How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy individuals who have a condition they have been affected by for a long time and will probably stay with them for the rest of their life. How much responsibility is placed on the person for their behavior who has difficulty controlling their moods?

My mother can obviously control her behavior around strangers maybe she is around strangers in times of better moodbut I see her take out her emotions, problems, aggressions in private on her caregivers my grandfather and grandmother.

She is not able to take responsibility for her actions at all and is not expected to by her caregivers. Is it appropriate to forgive her behavior in every instance? Or to hold her accountable for her actions? Should her rude behavior, explosive emotions, inability to listen be excused as something she has no control over? Or should the person be held accountable for certain aspects of her behavior?

This is difficult for me to deal with because my emotions in response to her behavior when I am around her get discounted by my grandparents because they use the model where she "is not able to control herself at all so she must be forgiven in all circumstances".

Is this model of forgiving every circumstance appropriate? Thank your for your response. I know this is a late response but I still wanted to comment. My mother was How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy bipolar when I How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy 12 - I am 36 now - but I suspect she suffers from borderline personality disorder BPD too.

God help the adult child who shows happiness around a BPD mother. Maintaining one's own happiness despite a loved one's unhappiness may help sometimes, but my BPD mother seemed to take my happiness as a personal insult.

She squelched times that should have been joyous e. If that didn't work, she'd find a way to "up the ante. And so I've detached. Changed my phone number and my email address and even my name.

I've reached a point where I consider here unsafe for me. I am sorry she's such an unhappy, bitter, miserable person, but I am done with being punished for being a generally upbeat, generally sane person. You can't control how your grandparents interact with your mother - it's their choice. How you interact with your mother is YOUR choice. Alex says to be prepared for resistance to any changes you make - I respectfully say that's a huge understatement.

Be ready to lose your entire family when you make changes in how you relate to your mother. Sounds dramatic, I know. Maybe you won't lose them all.

I still have an uncle, an aunt, and a cousin who exchange holiday and birthday cards with me. But if you do lose them, considering how your grandparents and mother already invalidate your feelings, you might find the loss to be not as great as you feared. Heartbreaking to hear of your situation. But sometimes another person's dysfunction is so great, interactions with them so poisonous, that the best thing really is to detach with love if you can manage that last part.

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I'm sorry it came to that for you, but hope you find a better life because of it. You describe a difficult situation. All human beings have executive functions that can, most of the time, mute the effect of negative emotions on behavior e. I've also observed that how people behave is profoundly influenced by the people who surround How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy. Thus, for example, your mom may be well-behaved around strangers but not around family.

Her executive functions are more engaged due to her thinking about strangers compared to her thinking about her family. As you've described her and this isn't necessarily true for everyone who suffers from mental illnessyour mom seems capable of appropriate behavior in the right circumstances and therefore is responsible for her behavior.

My suggestion is that you and your family examine the attitudes you display about your expectations for her behavior.

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I suspect, based on your description, that you're all enabling bad behavior on her part. When you stand up and demand, via your actions, good behavior, if a person is capable of delivering it, they often do.

How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy

You might find this link helpful: Thank you for your reply. I have brought up the possibility with my grandfather about how my mother is capable of controlling her behavior around us but he chooses to believe that she does not have control over her actions. My grandmother also does not want to talk about the topic since this is the way she has chosen to view her daughter's behavior having no control and has for a long time.

I have brought it up before and at the risk of having a fight I have not chosen to bring it up with her again. I remember trying to talk about the subject in high school and it was something not to be talked about, so I left the subject when I left for college read more the past five years.

Now I am back home while looking for work and I am faced with the same situation. I admit not bringing up the topic again at this point because of my own lack of courage. I am not in an environment where I can sit down with my grandparents and have a discussion about my attitude and their attitude about my mother's behavior and illness.

How To Tell If Someone Is Unhappy

It seems to be treated as a taboo subject. I agree that I have been enabling her behavior more than I should out of my own fear of being reprimanded by my grandparents while I am staying in the household.