Selfishness in Marriage
27 Jan Everyone knows that sometimes marriages just go wrong. It's nobody's fault sometimes; two people just don't mesh the way they once did, or things happen that make life difficult over time. Some ex-couples even stay friends. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. About half the time, divorce comes about. Marital conflict caused by a selfish spouse. Unless it is uncovered and addressed, selfishness will lead spouses to treat loved ones as objects and not as gifted persons. This video .. The weakness of selfishness can often be resolved, but a great deal of patience, humility and fortitude are needed on the healing journey. 9 May No matter how much you love someone, sometimes that's not enough for them to pause and consider your feelings in a given situation. Whether they do it intentionally or by accident, sometimes you're going to have to deal with a selfish partner. That doesn't necessarily mean they're selfish all the time.
Selfishness has been described as one of the major enemies of married love and of love within the family. Subsequently, this personality weakness creates significant pain and suffering in marriages and families. It is a major cause of marital anger, permissive parenting, addictive behaviors, infidelity, How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse and divorce.
Unless it is uncovered and addressed, selfishness will lead How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse to treat loved ones as objects and not as gifted persons.
This video segment describes the failure of spouses to work on developing healthy personalities and the resultant harmful rise in selfishness with its toxic effects upon marriage, http: The recent book, The Narcissism Epidemic: Keith Campbell, should be required reading in marital enrichment programs, in precana programs and in high schools.
Spouses, parents, educators and clergy would benefit from this expose of the severe link being caused by narcissism to western culture.
Twenge commented that narcissistic people are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short lived, are at greater risk for infidelity, lack consistent emotional warmth, exhibit game-playing and dishonesty and manifest overly controlling and violent behaviors. These behaviors in young adults are often fostered by a highly prevalent permissive parenting style. The newer, prevailing cultural view of marriage differs radically from the traditional, Catholic understanding of the sacrament of marriage and contributes to the click of selfishness link spouses and of marital conflicts.
Brad Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, has written about these contrasting views of marriage, "In the new psychological approach to marriage, one's primary obligation was not to one's family but to one's self; hence, marital success was defined not by successfully meeting obligations to one's spouse and children but by a strong sense of subjective happiness in marriage -- usually to be found in and through an click here, emotional relationship with one's spouse.
The s marked the period when, for many Americans, a more institutional model of marriage gave way to the "soul- mate model" of marriage. Of course, the soul-mate model was much more likely to lead couples to divorce court than was the earlier institutional model of marriage. Now, those who felt they were in unfulfilling marriages also felt obligated to divorce in order to honor the newly widespread ethic of expressive individualism, www. This newer psychological view of marriage predisposes couples to selfishness, the major enemy of marital love and a lack of fulfillment and happiness that is found in self-giving.
The church presents marriage as a sacrament that is supported by the Lords love and grace and requires cheerful self giving, and openness to children according to God's will, and sacrifice.
He presents in his writing the importance of giving to romantic love, to the marital friendship, and to betrothed love, which includes, but is more than sexual intimacy. This oneness and flow of love between a husband and wife in some ways is to model after the love and the openness within the heart of God, the Trinity.
The recognition of the character weakness of selfishness is a struggle for most people. Fortunately, selfishness can be identified and resolved through hard work, growth in a number of virtues, particularly generosity and self-denial, and faith when appropriate. Unfortunately, many spouses and children develop a sense of superiority and pride from their selfishness which blocks their willingness to address this serious personality weakness.
Click to see more checklist is meant to give you an awareness of the maniestation of selfishness in you or in your spouse. Please answer by identifying the appropriate number which applies to you and to your spouse using this scale on the following selfishness checklist:. Now please identify possible causes of selfishness from childhood and adult life in your spouse and in yourself.
A number of book have described the growing selfishness in the present culture. In The Culture of NarcissismChristopher Lasch describes how the past provides a framework for judging contemporary behavior as good or bad.
Robert Bellah in his book, Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Lifedescribes how people have come to forget their ancestors and also their descendants, as well as isolating themselves from their contemporaries.
Almost everything that benefits the world today did not come from someone from being overly selfish it came from being of service to others, and putting the needs of others first Either you deal with the issue, forgive and move on, or you choose not to forgive and move out--but what you shouldn't do is remain in the relationship while lording the wrongdoing over the partner as a form of power. Do you need any help then contact Lord Kakabu today for help via email:
Paul Vitz in Psychology as Just click for source He comments that the self has become the absolute center of values.
Narcissism results in a sense of psychological entitlement and a preoccupation with one's own rights. This turning inward and self-obsession then leads individuals to overestimate the amount that is owed to them. Also, the recent books Generation Me: A study of over 34, individuals Stinson, F. They include alcohol dependence, drug dependence, mood and anxiety disorders and other personality disorders.
Also, there were significant associations with bipolar I disorder maniapost-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder. In our clinical experience episodes of excessive anger, including intermittent explosive disorder, are How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse associated with selfishness. In childhood many of these selfish individuals began to demonstrate their excessive anger through strong oppositional defiant behaviors, particularly when they could not have their own way or control others.
Now we will move onto an example of the healing of the conflicts and anger in the selfish spouse from Helping Clients Forgive: One of the major causes of excessive anger in marriages is the result of narcissistic conflicts in a spouse. These individuals regularly engage in very controlling behaviors and then overreact in anger if they cannot have their own way.
Charles, a year-old married father of three children and a successful professional, manifested periodic explosive anger in his marital relationship particularly when his needs were not met immediately.
Charles was overly demanding, insensitive, self-preoccupied and he had difficulty in giving himself to his wife, How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse. As the oldest of two children, he was always his mother's favorite, and according to his wife, he had always been spoiled.
Each situation is as varied as human personalities. You can ask him to help with the dishes. Make your selfish spouse understand that family responsibilities are mutual.
In addition, Kimberly believed that her mother-in-law had never accepted her and she found her to be intrusive in the marriage. In marital therapy it was pointed out to Charles that he manifested a number of narcissistic personality traits that predisposed him to excessive anger. He was highly resistant to therapy and attempted to blame all the marital problems on his wife.
It was suggested to him that when he felt extremely angry he should try to act in a more mature and giving manner and to think about forgiving his wife. Kimberly was an intelligent, giving wife and mother. She was highly committed to making her marriage work. She embarked on a course of healthy assertiveness with her husband. For a number of months the tensions intensified in their relationship to the point that Charles threatened to divorce her.
She viewed this threat as highly manipulative and challenged him to proceed. At the same time Kimberly tried to forgive Charles regularly for all the hurts of the past caused by his narcissistic behavior even before he made a commitment to try to change. She also tried to work at forgiving her mother-in-law in order to protect herself from the damaging effects of her own resentment toward her.
The possibility How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse divorce created enormous stress and anxiety for Charles and motivated him to work on his narcissistic anger. When angry, he began to employ forgiveness exercises.
Ask Dr. Tartt- Help I'm Married To A Selfish Husband
He came to understand that he had developed strong narcissistic tendencies because of his childhood and adolescent relationship with his mother. He worked at trying to forgive his mother for spoiling him and for depending too much upon him as a source of happiness in her life. He apologized to Kimberly and asked for her forgiveness and trust. Charles' impulsive and explosive behavior diminished slowly through the use of past forgiveness exercises with his mother.
Unfortunately, many narcissistic spouses are reluctant to change and their marriages end.
Signs Your Spouse is Manipulating You (and How to Handle It) | HuffPost
Some individuals would rather give up their spouse and children than give up their self-indulgent behaviors. Selfishness is one of the major obstacles to marital communication and thereby harms the marital friendship. This personality conflict results in a spouse manifesting a number of weaknesses including failing to listen, trying to dominate the conversation, failing to respect and appreciate the views of one's spouse, speaking in a critical and angry manner and competing verbally.
A daily How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse to grow in virtues, which is described below, can lead to a remarkable improvement in spousal communication and in the marital friendship.
We have found that in our clinical work the most common cause of internet pornography use in married men is selfishness. Most of these men were overly indulged by one or both parents and have have a long history of comfort seeking behaviors. Many are surprised when their narcissism is identified as their major character conflict which drives their compulsive pornography use.
However, a number of spouses are drawn to internet pornography, not because they were spoiled, but as a result of not receiving enough love and affection in parental relationships when young.
While their spouses' love does provide comfort, it cannot make up for a lack of affection in their childhood and in adolescence. This emotional pain can then lead to anger and to selfishness, often arising from a sense of entitlement because they felt cheated when young. Narcissism is a leading cause of marital infidelity. Selfishness turns in a spouse so much upon himself or herself that this spouse fails to see and to appreciate the goodness, gifts and beauty in one's spouse.
The narcissistic spouse then solely blames the husband and wife for difficulties in the marriage.
The Selfish Spouse -- The Institute for Marital Healing
This thinking often is used to portray oneself as a victim and, then, later to rationalize adultery and divorce. Other common emotional causes of marital infidelity are loneliness, weakness in confidence, excessive career stress with a lack of balance, a controlling spouse, and excessive anger with a desire to punish the spouse.
A growing number of young couples are experiencing intense, divisive pressure in their relationship after the birth of their child. One of the most common reasons for this reaction, in addition to the loss of sleep, is that children push a person to the limit in regard to the ability to give. The unlimited self-giving babies require from parents can result in the emergence of selfish personality traits in a parent.
Then this person may resent giving, become very irritable and misdirect this anger at a spouse or even the child. Selfishness markedly impairs the ability to accept the sacrificial loving required in raising children and in sustaining a loving marital relationship. A growing number of young couples experience intense, divisive pressure in their relationship after the birth of their child.
Unfortunately, selfishness is impacted all the helping professions including medical pediatrics. Many people state that they knew there were serious conflicts in their marriages but it took them a long time to identity selfishness as their basic marital conflict.
Some spouses came to this realization in a discussion of marital issues with friends, others through a deeper understanding and some completing the selfishness checklist http://minimoving.info/ry/what-to-say-in-a-text-conversation.php this site.
Not infrequently, after identifying this serious marital conflict spouses may be very angry with the selfish spouse and with themselves for not identifying and discussing this problem earlier or for essentially enabling the selfish behaviors, sometimes for many years. Then engaging in forgiveness is essential so that when How To Stop Being Lonely At Night correction is given it is not done in anger.
Some spouses find themselves discovering How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse toward the parents of their spouse who enabled or even supported the development of selfishness. After the conflict is uncovered and forgiveness is used, the next step is to communicate the belief that selfishness is a major difficulty in the marriage.
In our clinical work a spouse may present the completed selfishness checklist while others may discuss all the behaviors which demonstrate selfishness. Next a request is made honestly face, admit and then address this weakness. Not infrequently, spouses are highly offended and angry because this weakness is identified.
This response is not surprising since all of us have difficulty in facing our weaknesses. However, one should remain firm in asking for a change in the selfish behaviors regardless of a spouse's sense of being offended or angry.
Since all of us struggle with selfishness, a spouse could state, "Look let's make a deal. I'll work on link selfishness and you work on yours.
The offended spouse has to be careful not to permit the selfish spouse to control since many of them have this weakness or to enable ongoing selfish behaviors.